Sasha Borissenko: You are invited to the Big Daddy Law Firm Christmas bonanza

COLUMN:

Subject: You are cordially invited to the Big Daddy Law Firm Christmas bonanza

Kia ora whanau,

It’s been yet another year of working overtime, broken promises, and failed pledges to turn the wellbeing of our worker bees around. No matter! Thankfully we’re not in the throes of another lockdown – we’re so glad so many of you are back in the office so we can keep tabs on you.

Regarding our recent learnings: thanks to Microsoft Teams we know that it’s feasible for you to work around the clock, so we hope to continue this practice going forward. We’ve managed to come out of another year of Covid-19 with our heads held high, maximising capital by way of the wage subsidy so that the partnership can continue to line their Armani pockets. And it’s all thanks to you, dear plebeians.

We hope you enjoyed your Christmas hamper – it’s quite the tradition at Big Daddy Law Firm and despite some bold calls for bonuses or cash, it’s our way of saying thanks. We hope you enjoyed the alcohol-free mouth-wash for those people who have become too accustomed to using face-masks, the multivitamins, the monthly bouquet subscriptions, and the offer for free HPV testing.

And a big thanks to Partner Brad Shmad who had the genius idea to include a reusable beeswax-making kit – while we know you will have no time or desire to make this innovative form of Gladwrap, we want you to know that we are progressive and we care about the planet. But that doesn’t mean we’ll be taking note of our carbon emissions for travelling, or implementing a recycling policy.

So without further ado, we are delighted to invite you to this year’s Christmas party, which will be held in the firm’s basement. We won’t be serving alcohol this year because we believe alcohol is entirely at fault for the isolated and alleged sexual harassment claims of yesteryear.

Instead we shall be serving an entirely plant-based menu consisting of goji-berry milkshakes, quinoa crackers with banana jam, alcohol-free-gin-infused basil-lemon-curd cake, and celery with vegan Kiwi dip. Again, we are concerned with your wellbeing at face value and this of course extends to the way each lawyer presents themselves in a superficial sense.

In this #metoo and Covid-19 climate we must reiterate that the party is a hug-free zone. No touching, canoodling, smooching, grasping or grazing will be tolerated. If you’ve got a complaint we are now legally required to inform the Law Society under the new Client Care Rules that came into force in July of this year.

In anticipation for the party we have placed markers on the floor in the basement that are 1.5m apart. If in doubt, employ the netball “obstruction” rule.

Finally, we wish to thank those of you who contributed to the “anonymous” staff survey. Political correctness gone mad and reverse sexism were among the key themes by the three-strong respondents. We are listening. We hear you.

In response to the survey we will be putting up a sticker chart in the kitchen to encourage the use of reusable coffee mugs. We won’t be taking a stand on why there’s a disproportionate number of women doing the dishes, bringing in food, and making coffee – you’re all adults.

And we have decided to install cameras in the majority of the offices, bathrooms, and elevators in the New Year. Partner offices need not apply. We are sure surveillance of this kind will deter any dubious conduct, while simultaneously compel you to work harder.

We look forward to seeing you in due course, with bells on.

Meri Kirihimete,

Lucia Umbridge I People and Culture Manager I Pronouns she/her on behalf of John Smith I Managing Partner I Pronouns he/him

Level top floor of overpriced building in AKL CBD, 88 Pleasantville, Private Bag 666.

*This column is entirely fictional

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